Job seeking mania & interview sick

I wonder if everyone gets nervous when going for an interview? I have been sending out job request these days and it seems it is really competitive these days. I applied 5 job in jobstreet.com and could you even believe, average each job has 40++ applicants. I was worried seeing those numbers and I started to wonder if I am looking for the right position. What I thought was looking for a web designer job doing html/css but it seems everyone is hiring art student for that position. I really hope someone will appreciates my work and somehow giving me a chance.

However, thanks God! I got replied from one of the companies. No way stop worrying. There are still bundles to worry. Yesterday, I spend half day at McD just to go online for some research as preparing for the job interview. Looking for location maps, understanding job requirements and preparing relevant documents but it's still something missing. Maybe I am totally not confident in taking the job.

Today, to traveled down town just to look over the places, making sure the place and the right transport. Surprisingly, it is a very convenient place. Seems like going very well but how would it be for the interview. I was really worry if I got shot during interview. How about if I start the job, there are bundle of stuff to learn and to keep up with. My God, I am really nervous now and hopefully tomorrow will be lucky, go smooth and everything is OK.

Bad Luck, Good Life?

There are many choices in life but I think I made the wrong one. I used to believe that working with passion and being responsible is really important in work. However, it seems that I am wrong now because being so caused me a lot of money and maybe a scar or even defects in life.

I used to love working in the bridal house because I build this great interest in this industry as in a way of helping my brother. Swear to God, I am truthful. I wished that my responsibility will help others more. So every time I worked extra hard just to make a little thing perfect. I was hurt when my brother told me that I was helpless but I know I already done my best. Now my heart is no longer with him. Do you know how awful when people were saying bad things about your brother and yes, he is not a good person though. No matter how I tried to change people's mind about him, I am the one who gets all blame. I know I am not good enough but I already done my best. That is the only way I can be with no authorizations with such great responsibility.

Most of the time is not that I don't want to do but I just can't handle so many in a time. Most of the time is not that I don't want to listen, in just that I want to correct his thoughts. Most of the time is not that I don't want to support him, is just that I am not capable to. Most of the time I argue with him because I care about the company. Never mind anyway, I know I am wrong. My fault for everything and I deserve this.

It is quite sad that I have no one to talk to about this. I might be going for surgery soon. Payment is the biggest problem, work is another problem, family is another problem... How would it be in this way? Someone once told me that God will not give us whatever we want but giving a chance for us to get whatever we want. Is it true? Is this a chance for me to learn? Why do I pray everyday and this is what I get?

My brother

Few days ago my brother throw words on me again. Of course, if people who knows me well, sure they know I did something stupid to make him angry again. Working with family suppose to be a good thing but why working with my brother causes a lot of arguments and pressure? I admire my brother because he is a very strong and power kind of person. But when you really know him, he is really a son of a bitch that you want to beat him up like shit. A person that is too proud of himself.

Working here after graduation really makes me headache because sometimes I feel lost. I mean I will ask what can I do other than this job. But you know what, I do like this job. At first I know my position, I am here in the company is to organize things and establish things. But when time goes by, I work more than what is expected. Even I feel that this kind of salary having this kind of workload and job scope. I told myself I don't mind as long as it is good for the company but I felt that my brother had a wrong idea of how things suppose to work here. At first, he told me to help him just to take care of the back end. Then, lately I understand that he have much higher expectation over me. It's unreasonable expectation.

Now I understand my sister's feelings. We never get the power to do something but he expect us to take care of things for him. As we make decision ourselves, we got scolded for not asking him. As he told me to do things and he totally forgot about it, he scolded me for doing things without his permission. As when I don't do things according to what he says, he scolded me an idiot. I am really an idiot cause I always cares about responsibility, loyalty and forget about myself. He cares about his faces but he didn't think about others.

I know he had a lot of things to worry about and I also like to help him out but the value of helping him is cheaper than being a prostitute. That's how I feel, not appreciated. He never teach, just instruct and always blame. We were much worse comparing to the employees. He will never be a good leader. And we always heard complains of others about him and what we can do, swallow it because we are relatives of the boss and that becomes a big pressure. He says this is normal in the workforce but I can tell, I will never have that kind of pressure working with other person, right?

Overall, I think I know what I am doing. I may be nothing for him but I will learn to be better person for other employers. He told me to leave as soon as possible but I won't. If I leave, he will be much more happy to not pay my salary and I got nothing working truthfully for him. I know.

My Birthday

Sometimes it is really funny! What is the meaning of celebrating birthday? Sometimes when you see people running around, preparing this and that just for a surprise, you can see that how this friend actually treasures you. But sometimes, it is not this case. Sometimes it is just entertaining.

Just now few of us hang out and they celebrated my birthday. I was glad but something is not right. I don't know what it is but deep inside, I just feel that I am not happy. Is not that I don't appreciated them, I'm glad but it would be better if the person I concern celebrated with me. Ya, there is a lot of wishes on the Facebook and here is the funny thing. I watched this person online and I don't dare to talk to em, watching em online, watching, watching and just waiting, waiting, waiting em to wish and start a topic. Yet looking at the green icon, just looking until it goes off. Actually, I am really worry about em but there is no topic to start.

Sometimes I think that birthday is always in a wrong time. Last year, it was my brother's bridal shop issue, but yet they, the friends do celebrate with me, I did cheered up that time! This year, many things happens too and even myself is really busy doing FYP. Why some people get to run back to KL just to surprise a friend or somebody receive a big big present but not me. Never mind, I get what I deserved. It is more than enough. Maybe I should so better and let people see me in another kinda value. Things will change. Hope this year's wish will come true!

Life is short and fragile!

Long time ago, I was distracted by a person. Many things changed because I care about many things and left aside important stuff. I was regret in the previous experience. Why being so naive and being such an idiot to care about someone that never treasures you. In fact, there will never be a chance to have any from that person. However, it is the time I understand why people got caught in love and why people struggle in relationships. I know it is because they always want return.

Very weird where every time I have no one to tell, this is my place to express. This is the last semester of university life. Many people had inspired me through out these time. One of them is the one and only one James. He is a special person but had gone so soon. Sometimes I have been wonder, if I would known him more, he would be my best friend. When he is gone, he thought me a lesson where I should care about people beside me. No matter who they are, an enemy or the love ones. They all are the same, the people that you put in your heart. I learn to care.

Bad things happens too! I know there has been many criticizing around but the truth is that people do care if the criticize you. Everybody have been so busy doing FYP, assignment, test and bundles of activity throughout this semester. But the only thing that makes me feel so disappointing is that Fui Hwang didn't complete his FYP and he dropped. Somehow everyone have already done their role, helping him in a way of giving him time to finish his FYP and we take up all his task for the assignments. But in the end, I couldn't really encouraged him. Yet, there is some great things in between. Jia Cheng and Kian Tion previously were trapped in the same situation. I gave them some encouragement just like the others did and so they did tried their best to complete FYP . I feel glad we are graduating together but felt bad that Fui Hwang is not. I already did what I can do, hope he really know what is best for him.

Anyway, stop all the bad feelings and come back to something sweet that happens this semester. We had a lot of activity and people in the class get around together well. There is this person that is really appealing, charming and inspiring. I know is just a thought or maybe a crush but this time its not the same. Its not distraction but I learn to keep it to myself and to give more to people. Many of the time I woke up in the morning, I thought of this person. Sometimes in a day, I missed this person's voice, the laugh, sometimes the stupid face. I thought this birthday is special but I think not. God are really a bad guy, I think this time, I will not see this person in my birthday. What a luck! Eventually, its not important celebration anymore because its not in a right time. However, I am grateful with everything I have, every moment I have and I have known this person. Hope everything will OK. Hey, God you there, show people some light, give them some luck and make things OK...

When Confused

If there is a billion of reasons to consider, you will be a very busy person.

Sometimes I will wonder about many things, wondering how stuff would be if in a different condition. However, life is not about imagination but to really know something, you would really have to experience it.

Many of the time we heard different things from people but better don't take it real because many of the time people sees things in a different way and what they experience is never the same and they bring a different kind of meaning. Just an example, people like football a lot but I feel stupid and wasting time watching it. Think again, it is entertainment for people and it is meaningful for them.

Sometimes taking people's opinion is a good thing for you to make decision. But as I said, one thing means different to people. Some may thing a Gucci bag is about status but some may think is about a good design for good use. One thing I can be sure is that if you know it is dangerous and it will risk you life and many important things, consider your friends opinion. But when it is nothing to risk, let it be and put yourself in it. It ended up you can judge based on your opinion and it is a lesson to learn. Think wisely, sometimes taking people's opinion is nothing far form taking people's order, you will regret someday.

People are weird. We always regret about things. Regret about what we have did and what we have forgone. Why look back? I know it is not easy to say so and of course to do so but isn't moving forward is the right option? Everyone knows but we always forgot. Telling the truth don't regret of what option you took! If it is a mistake, it would be a lesson to you and you learn things from that. If it is a success, it is a trophy in your life and learn things from there. If you never been through all that, things will be different and you never learn things from there. Why not take this challenge to change things and do things in a better way? Overall it is your option!

So, there is nothing bad but it is all about how you sees it. How you change things. How you fit in. All about you. If there are no guidance, you may sometimes get extra findings from exploration. If there is no direction, you may learn more form exploring different directions. If it is a different environment, you may learn to get used to the environment and to really gain self discipline. And all is about you. Albert once said, if you cannot change the others so you change! If you were confused there, remember, if there is and option between money and soil, which will you choose? Which one is more meaningful? Think again, how if you got a seed now?

Lonely Days

This Chinese New Year really changes my thoughts. I used to have hopes towards certain things and I have faith in my life, I believe that things will be great. However, someone wake me up from what I'm dreaming of. My neighbor came visit the other day and he somehow did this fortune telling. It is a proven method just like horoscope that involves calculations with Chinese believes. Starting with my brother, he mentioned a lot of things about him that is really true and he told him what to do instead. Then the following is my turn. I turn up to be different, a lot worse than my brother.

What he says to me is that I'm an earth element and in my life, I have very few people that will help me. Nothing like others, I have to be independent and work hard to get the things I want, no one will come and help. He also said the worse thing that I don't want to face although I know. He told me that my friends are all useless, they are just using me. This thing really made me struggle for a long time. If this is true, who is my best friend then? Who did things for me truthfully? I'm sad to hear this. However, there are still something good. He did mentioned that if I am a leader or a boss, treating people good and people will earn money for me with no doubt. Is it a bit confusing here? Means I need to be great for people to follow me and I can never be a follower?

I really don't know what happens these days because I feel like I am invisible. I don't get much attention these days even the housemates didn't even talked to me. Maybe I really sucked and really an idiot! I hope I was wrong about people. I hope I am a friend to people not just for using in someway. I hope someone is there that has the same interest with me that we can spend time together. I hope people will not laugh at me because I am fragile too. I don't want to be a tool which is used when needed. I want to be a diamond that people will wear it and show to the others.

Lord, maybe is my fault. I'm not good enough. Maybe I am not a good friend, maybe I am not a good brother, maybe I am not a good son or maybe I am not a good student. Life is really troublesome where many things are there to be handled. Money, people, relationships, status, work... That is why sometimes I wanted to be alone, away from all this but think again, if life is like this forever, what is the meaning of living? I don't feel good when people going out without asking me as they do have extra spaces. I don't feel good when people have good things to share and they forgot about me. I don't feel good when I am the only one cheering myself up. I don't feel good when no one cares.

I suddenly feel sad about Nigel. Before he jumped, there was no one in MSN to talk to. It is really a sad case. If people were there and he made great friends, maybe we will have gathering for games instead. How sad when really need people and no one was there. It is really unfair. If it's a trade that you used me and in return, you entertain me, it would be much better. That's when I really feel good about Bao Hung. I don't know what's hiding behind him but at least he showed me what a friend is about. He is really a good guy, for me. Maybe I need to throw away what I am and to be a better person. Hope it will be better soon. Hope things will appear to be what I wish for. Hope dreams are all true. Hope that there are still hope for tomorrow!