This Chinese New Year really changes my thoughts. I used to have hopes towards certain things and I have faith in my life, I believe that things will be great. However, someone wake me up from what I'm dreaming of. My neighbor came visit the other day and he somehow did this fortune telling. It is a proven method just like horoscope that involves calculations with Chinese believes. Starting with my brother, he mentioned a lot of things about him that is really true and he told him what to do instead. Then the following is my turn. I turn up to be different, a lot worse than my brother.
What he says to me is that I'm an earth element and in my life, I have very few people that will help me. Nothing like others, I have to be independent and work hard to get the things I want, no one will come and help. He also said the worse thing that I don't want to face although I know. He told me that my friends are all useless, they are just using me. This thing really made me struggle for a long time. If this is true, who is my best friend then? Who did things for me truthfully? I'm sad to hear this. However, there are still something good. He did mentioned that if I am a leader or a boss, treating people good and people will earn money for me with no doubt. Is it a bit confusing here? Means I need to be great for people to follow me and I can never be a follower?
I really don't know what happens these days because I feel like I am invisible. I don't get much attention these days even the housemates didn't even talked to me. Maybe I really sucked and really an idiot! I hope I was wrong about people. I hope I am a friend to people not just for using in someway. I hope someone is there that has the same interest with me that we can spend time together. I hope people will not laugh at me because I am fragile too. I don't want to be a tool which is used when needed. I want to be a diamond that people will wear it and show to the others.
Lord, maybe is my fault. I'm not good enough. Maybe I am not a good friend, maybe I am not a good brother, maybe I am not a good son or maybe I am not a good student. Life is really troublesome where many things are there to be handled. Money, people, relationships, status, work... That is why sometimes I wanted to be alone, away from all this but think again, if life is like this forever, what is the meaning of living? I don't feel good when people going out without asking me as they do have extra spaces. I don't feel good when people have good things to share and they forgot about me. I don't feel good when I am the only one cheering myself up. I don't feel good when no one cares.
I suddenly feel sad about Nigel. Before he jumped, there was no one in MSN to talk to. It is really a sad case. If people were there and he made great friends, maybe we will have gathering for games instead. How sad when really need people and no one was there. It is really unfair. If it's a trade that you used me and in return, you entertain me, it would be much better. That's when I really feel good about Bao Hung. I don't know what's hiding behind him but at least he showed me what a friend is about. He is really a good guy, for me. Maybe I need to throw away what I am and to be a better person. Hope it will be better soon. Hope things will appear to be what I wish for. Hope dreams are all true. Hope that there are still hope for tomorrow!
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