Dear Diary

Bad Luck, Good Life?

2011-12-14T11:37:00.003+08:00

There are many choices in life but I think I made the wrong one. I used to believe that working with passion and being responsible is really important in work. However, it seems that I am wrong now because being so caused me a lot of money and maybe a scar or even defects in life.

I used to love working in the bridal house because I build this great interest in this industry as in a way of helping my brother. Swear to God, I am truthful. I wished that my responsibility will help others more. So every time I worked extra hard just to make a little thing perfect. I was hurt when my brother told me that I was helpless but I know I already done my best. Now my heart is no longer with him. Do you know how awful when people were saying bad things about your brother and yes, he is not a good person though. No matter how I tried to change people's mind about him, I am the one who gets all blame. I know I am not good enough but I already done my best. That is the only way I can be with no authorizations with such great responsibility.

Most of the time is not that I don't want to do but I just can't handle so many in a time. Most of the time is not that I don't want to listen, in just that I want to correct his thoughts. Most of the time is not that I don't want to support him, is just that I am not capable to. Most of the time I argue with him because I care about the company. Never mind anyway, I know I am wrong. My fault for everything and I deserve this.

It is quite sad that I have no one to talk to about this. I might be going for surgery soon. Payment is the biggest problem, work is another problem, family is another problem... How would it be in this way? Someone once told me that God will not give us whatever we want but giving a chance for us to get whatever we want. Is it true? Is this a chance for me to learn? Why do I pray everyday and this is what I get?

My brother

2011-11-08T11:47:00.004+08:00

Few days ago my brother throw words on me again. Of course, if people who knows me well, sure they know I did something stupid to make him angry again. Working with family suppose to be a good thing but why working with my brother causes a lot of arguments and pressure? I admire my brother because he is a very strong and power kind of person. But when you really know him, he is really a son of a bitch that you want to beat him up like shit. A person that is too proud of himself.

Working here after graduation really makes me headache because sometimes I feel lost. I mean I will ask what can I do other than this job. But you know what, I do like this job. At first I know my position, I am here in the company is to organize things and establish things. But when time goes by, I work more than what is expected. Even I feel that this kind of salary having this kind of workload and job scope. I told myself I don't mind as long as it is good for the company but I felt that my brother had a wrong idea of how things suppose to work here. At first, he told me to help him just to take care of the back end. Then, lately I understand that he have much higher expectation over me. It's unreasonable expectation.

Now I understand my sister's feelings. We never get the power to do something but he expect us to take care of things for him. As we make decision ourselves, we got scolded for not asking him. As he told me to do things and he totally forgot about it, he scolded me for doing things without his permission. As when I don't do things according to what he says, he scolded me an idiot. I am really an idiot cause I always cares about responsibility, loyalty and forget about myself. He cares about his faces but he didn't think about others.

I know he had a lot of things to worry about and I also like to help him out but the value of helping him is cheaper than being a prostitute. That's how I feel, not appreciated. He never teach, just instruct and always blame. We were much worse comparing to the employees. He will never be a good leader. And we always heard complains of others about him and what we can do, swallow it because we are relatives of the boss and that becomes a big pressure. He says this is normal in the workforce but I can tell, I will never have that kind of pressure working with other person, right?

Overall, I think I know what I am doing. I may be nothing for him but I will learn to be better person for other employers. He told me to leave as soon as possible but I won't. If I leave, he will be much more happy to not pay my salary and I got nothing working truthfully for him. I know.

My Birthday

2011-04-20T02:03:00.003+08:00

Sometimes it is really funny! What is the meaning of celebrating birthday? Sometimes when you see people running around, preparing this and that just for a surprise, you can see that how this friend actually treasures you. But sometimes, it is not this case. Sometimes it is just entertaining.

Just now few of us hang out and they celebrated my birthday. I was glad but something is not right. I don't know what it is but deep inside, I just feel that I am not happy. Is not that I don't appreciated them, I'm glad but it would be better if the person I concern celebrated with me. Ya, there is a lot of wishes on the Facebook and here is the funny thing. I watched this person online and I don't dare to talk to em, watching em online, watching, watching and just waiting, waiting, waiting em to wish and start a topic. Yet looking at the green icon, just looking until it goes off. Actually, I am really worry about em but there is no topic to start.

Sometimes I think that birthday is always in a wrong time. Last year, it was my brother's bridal shop issue, but yet they, the friends do celebrate with me, I did cheered up that time! This year, many things happens too and even myself is really busy doing FYP. Why some people get to run back to KL just to surprise a friend or somebody receive a big big present but not me. Never mind, I get what I deserved. It is more than enough. Maybe I should so better and let people see me in another kinda value. Things will change. Hope this year's wish will come true!

Life is short and fragile!

2011-04-18T01:21:00.003+08:00

Long time ago, I was distracted by a person. Many things changed because I care about many things and left aside important stuff. I was regret in the previous experience. Why being so naive and being such an idiot to care about someone that never treasures you. In fact, there will never be a chance to have any from that person. However, it is the time I understand why people got caught in love and why people struggle in relationships. I know it is because they always want return.

Very weird where every time I have no one to tell, this is my place to express. This is the last semester of university life. Many people had inspired me through out these time. One of them is the one and only one James. He is a special person but had gone so soon. Sometimes I have been wonder, if I would known him more, he would be my best friend. When he is gone, he thought me a lesson where I should care about people beside me. No matter who they are, an enemy or the love ones. They all are the same, the people that you put in your heart. I learn to care.

Bad things happens too! I know there has been many criticizing around but the truth is that people do care if the criticize you. Everybody have been so busy doing FYP, assignment, test and bundles of activity throughout this semester. But the only thing that makes me feel so disappointing is that Fui Hwang didn't complete his FYP and he dropped. Somehow everyone have already done their role, helping him in a way of giving him time to finish his FYP and we take up all his task for the assignments. But in the end, I couldn't really encouraged him. Yet, there is some great things in between. Jia Cheng and Kian Tion previously were trapped in the same situation. I gave them some encouragement just like the others did and so they did tried their best to complete FYP . I feel glad we are graduating together but felt bad that Fui Hwang is not. I already did what I can do, hope he really know what is best for him.

Anyway, stop all the bad feelings and come back to something sweet that happens this semester. We had a lot of activity and people in the class get around together well. There is this person that is really appealing, charming and inspiring. I know is just a thought or maybe a crush but this time its not the same. Its not distraction but I learn to keep it to myself and to give more to people. Many of the time I woke up in the morning, I thought of this person. Sometimes in a day, I missed this person's voice, the laugh, sometimes the stupid face. I thought this birthday is special but I think not. God are really a bad guy, I think this time, I will not see this person in my birthday. What a luck! Eventually, its not important celebration anymore because its not in a right time. However, I am grateful with everything I have, every moment I have and I have known this person. Hope everything will OK. Hey, God you there, show people some light, give them some luck and make things OK...

When Confused

2011-02-20T05:00:00.003+08:00

If there is a billion of reasons to consider, you will be a very busy person.

Sometimes I will wonder about many things, wondering how stuff would be if in a different condition. However, life is not about imagination but to really know something, you would really have to experience it.

Many of the time we heard different things from people but better don't take it real because many of the time people sees things in a different way and what they experience is never the same and they bring a different kind of meaning. Just an example, people like football a lot but I feel stupid and wasting time watching it. Think again, it is entertainment for people and it is meaningful for them.

Sometimes taking people's opinion is a good thing for you to make decision. But as I said, one thing means different to people. Some may thing a Gucci bag is about status but some may think is about a good design for good use. One thing I can be sure is that if you know it is dangerous and it will risk you life and many important things, consider your friends opinion. But when it is nothing to risk, let it be and put yourself in it. It ended up you can judge based on your opinion and it is a lesson to learn. Think wisely, sometimes taking people's opinion is nothing far form taking people's order, you will regret someday.

People are weird. We always regret about things. Regret about what we have did and what we have forgone. Why look back? I know it is not easy to say so and of course to do so but isn't moving forward is the right option? Everyone knows but we always forgot. Telling the truth don't regret of what option you took! If it is a mistake, it would be a lesson to you and you learn things from that. If it is a success, it is a trophy in your life and learn things from there. If you never been through all that, things will be different and you never learn things from there. Why not take this challenge to change things and do things in a better way? Overall it is your option!

So, there is nothing bad but it is all about how you sees it. How you change things. How you fit in. All about you. If there are no guidance, you may sometimes get extra findings from exploration. If there is no direction, you may learn more form exploring different directions. If it is a different environment, you may learn to get used to the environment and to really gain self discipline. And all is about you. Albert once said, if you cannot change the others so you change! If you were confused there, remember, if there is and option between money and soil, which will you choose? Which one is more meaningful? Think again, how if you got a seed now?

Lonely Days

2011-02-11T20:49:00.003+08:00

This Chinese New Year really changes my thoughts. I used to have hopes towards certain things and I have faith in my life, I believe that things will be great. However, someone wake me up from what I'm dreaming of. My neighbor came visit the other day and he somehow did this fortune telling. It is a proven method just like horoscope that involves calculations with Chinese believes. Starting with my brother, he mentioned a lot of things about him that is really true and he told him what to do instead. Then the following is my turn. I turn up to be different, a lot worse than my brother.

What he says to me is that I'm an earth element and in my life, I have very few people that will help me. Nothing like others, I have to be independent and work hard to get the things I want, no one will come and help. He also said the worse thing that I don't want to face although I know. He told me that my friends are all useless, they are just using me. This thing really made me struggle for a long time. If this is true, who is my best friend then? Who did things for me truthfully? I'm sad to hear this. However, there are still something good. He did mentioned that if I am a leader or a boss, treating people good and people will earn money for me with no doubt. Is it a bit confusing here? Means I need to be great for people to follow me and I can never be a follower?

I really don't know what happens these days because I feel like I am invisible. I don't get much attention these days even the housemates didn't even talked to me. Maybe I really sucked and really an idiot! I hope I was wrong about people. I hope I am a friend to people not just for using in someway. I hope someone is there that has the same interest with me that we can spend time together. I hope people will not laugh at me because I am fragile too. I don't want to be a tool which is used when needed. I want to be a diamond that people will wear it and show to the others.

Lord, maybe is my fault. I'm not good enough. Maybe I am not a good friend, maybe I am not a good brother, maybe I am not a good son or maybe I am not a good student. Life is really troublesome where many things are there to be handled. Money, people, relationships, status, work... That is why sometimes I wanted to be alone, away from all this but think again, if life is like this forever, what is the meaning of living? I don't feel good when people going out without asking me as they do have extra spaces. I don't feel good when people have good things to share and they forgot about me. I don't feel good when I am the only one cheering myself up. I don't feel good when no one cares.

I suddenly feel sad about Nigel. Before he jumped, there was no one in MSN to talk to. It is really a sad case. If people were there and he made great friends, maybe we will have gathering for games instead. How sad when really need people and no one was there. It is really unfair. If it's a trade that you used me and in return, you entertain me, it would be much better. That's when I really feel good about Bao Hung. I don't know what's hiding behind him but at least he showed me what a friend is about. He is really a good guy, for me. Maybe I need to throw away what I am and to be a better person. Hope it will be better soon. Hope things will appear to be what I wish for. Hope dreams are all true. Hope that there are still hope for tomorrow!

It's Complicated

2010-12-18T01:18:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it's really confusing and many times I will question myself about me and about being with people! Actually when I was a kid, I am a different kind of person. The big problem is me. I always think that I'm not good enough, for me, for things and for people. So, I try to do things to grab attention. As when I grown up, I realized that people should communicate to know each other and I need to be confident about myself. So every time I wanted to be honest and straight forward. If you have known me, you should realized that I tent to look special, be special and everything I wanted achievement for attention. Yeah, I am ego.

Today, I took a big step and I done something that I never dare to do. In fact, I feel that I really sucked! I'm sure I am not a playboy now, although I wanted to, but I rather need someone reliable to rely on. Sometimes when I really need someone, you are there and I will feel better when you calm me down. I also do hope that I could be someone special that I can help you instead. However, I really do not know how to communicate with people. I really not good in handling things, expressing myself. Sometime I feel you are too independent and I can't break your wall. I know too little and that is why I feel insecure. I am always curious about you and stuff, keep guessing what happening back there. Overall does it seems serious to someone, maybe telling you that I am concerned?

Its simple, I'm serious and I wanted to know you. I really wanted to be pampered, loved and understood. I am direct and I will learn to know people and to really get around with them but all I need is time and communicate. Many people meeting me these days but in the end you are the one I am concerned. I am asking myself am I cheating or do really need to find someone better... Everyone have a dream partner, but believe in others that they will be loyal. Ok, here is the thing, tomorrow's motive is to fix things, make things clear and settle problems! I hope that you will see the dedication from me...

Stuck!

2010-11-28T20:11:00.003+08:00

Its been very busy since we all started with the assignments. There are many things that we need to do as to produce a business plan. It sounds stupid when people are doing a business plan for their final year project and we are doing a business plan for a short semester assignment. However, it is a challenge and I do believe that I am ego to achieve something. I tried very hard to make everything perfect as was I am doing a real thing. However, its the same thing that happens all the time. I didn't blame people because after all these time, I understand that people work in a different manner and different people has different preferences. It really hard! I hope to make things perfect, to do the best. However, it seems that it is always hard to share a vision with the members. Some never listen and started work late and ended up last minute work (crap); some tried billion tons of hard work but yet never get to do what is expected and some pay little effort & came out with a little results.

There is many times that I wanted people to work in pace with me. Until then, there is no one that rather to work extra hard for the others. I don't know but there is something that is really amazed. I work very hard this time and the thing that always on my mind to amaze people with this work. Although we didn't produce the plan perfectly, but I'm really glad that Lim Seng Chee asked us to join the HSBC competition. I know, he may not mean that we are really good but at least an encouragement I found through out these crazy hours of working. I really wanted him to say that word and he did. Now I actually believe that hard work and creativity will amaze people. Maybe not Ms Chow but I hope there is... I wanted to join the competition but here comes the challenge.

I don't know what people think in joining this competition. Since that we already have a rough plan and just a little bit more work to join the competition, why not? I got a more worse idea. I wanted to go Hong Kong. Since the gang says want to go Hong Kong for graduation trip and I got no money, why not earn my free ticket to Hong Kong? I think I really need to find the right guy and join this thing. If we didn't win, at least I got a cert rite?

It Changes The Way I Am

2010-11-03T19:06:00.004+08:00

Do you ever feel lost sometime, addicted to something and totally lost yourself? Its like drugs, when you take it, you cannot loose it; or computer games. When you started first level, because of ego, you will keep playing until you got the best. I once happened to be like that. Year 1 Semester 2, a moment that I regretted a lot, moment that change my performance, moment that I fell deep into a place that I was lost. I once thought that I am a though guy and no matter what, I'm good in handling things. When you see what happen to people, you will feel that they are stupid and such easy thing they cannot handle. However, as when u in the situation, you could not think rationally and you cannot decide what to do then the problem brings you lower.

Sometimes I am worry that I'm lonely, no friends because I don't like social so much. I know, I hate myself for being so materialistic. I met this guy in the internet yesterday. He told me that his the other half left him because someone else came into the relationship. Buy em car, give em money and I think em left to be his sex toy. This is what the guy said. I mentioned the other half and you should know how well the relationship is. Will em regret someday? I met a lot of people these days and they are really interesting people. However they come in a common thing, something that I'm not sure of, but there is only one that never come with a common thing. At the first time, I don't feel good about this person because of my own stupid opinion and being materialistic. After that, I met a lot of people and I heard a news that this special person of my decided to leave for study. There is a different kind of feeling at the moment. Missing, We never started anything but I do know the fact that this person is a good person.

I really lost these day, playing around with other people and I totally forgot about settling down and this person. I was hoping to find a better one but I don't think life is that simple. Year back I met this bisexual guy on the internet. He was flirting with me but it ended up inspiring. Forgot about flirting thing, it is really good to know him. We talked and I think that's what he wanted a lot. Saying things that no one could be told. Maybe because of work? I hope I won't get there someday but there will be someone special. I really wish that there is a reason for me to stop thinking other stuff, distracted and I should focus in work now... I have to work better and where is the Antony I was looking for?

"Un-happy Job"

2010-10-26T18:06:00.004+08:00

Do you know what makes someone frustrated so much? There are many reasons and some they actually able to be tolerated. Let me tell you something, if any day, there is a chance for you to work for your family members, don't go for it! Say no to whatever they offer, money, power, position, all the stuff that are really attractive. Is not about being selfish but mostly important that one can actually feel good about life and work. Sometimes having good relationships in work actually increases the expectation from each other. It may be a good thing but as when they expect you in the other way, you fight, you bang the relationship. I think this is what call benefit crush!

Looking in the first point, if you were able to help them and actually support them, its really a good thing that everyone should do. However, now life conditions are different and everyone's desires are different. When people having a harsh time, they work together and promise this and that and as when they got into a stable stage, they will tent to divide the "cake". Like Chinese says, starting both share one underwear but in the end, how you gonna divide an underwear? Then war comes in! They are not being harsh to each other but only different desire and tent to be fair!

I think I've been helping my brother, handling website for years. When I first gone into foundation, I started building website for him. At that time, I'm glad because I found what I like to do and an opportunity for me to do something a wanted so much, designing. I learn a lot, play a lot with these stuff and I did many many things. I told my mother too, I understand the feeling of getting to do things you like in life. That is why I encourage mom to allow him to take over the business. Further over, they suggest that they pay me, but as long as this promise is made, payment are not consistently made. Lucky that Joanne was there handling payment, I got paid consistently for a period, but after that, its the same. The money is important of course because having that money, I got a better life! However, the reasons I keep working on new things, giving ideas, exploring and helping around is because my interest and self-esteem. Money, its only "desert" for me! I don't think he understand that! I kept quiet as when he didn't pay me money because his my brother, why kira-kira with him and of course, there are not much things I did for a period, then every thing is ok!

I like knowing many things and try out those things and that is why I work so hard for only certain things. Like previously in Innity, I don't feel working there because I don't find a purpose I was needed there. Alron left us discovering things ourselves but CMS, EC & php kills me, because we have no knowledge about that. I know he expect self-motivation but as when there are no external motivation at all, what to motivate our own? I find very funny, I find my motivation from other people's work. I work on php because Cliff gave me inspiration and I was curios about what he was doing; Law give me inspiration of playing with CMS because I was curios about what he was doing. One main thing I know is that they definitely know how to teach newbie, giving them a bright starting point! Definitely two inspiring guy! I didn't say that Alron is not good becuase I don't do good for him too. Maybe because of pass experiences, he establishes and high expectation over us but I totally de-motivated for "trainee" job, so I've gone defensive towards him, of what he ask me to do...

Sometimes when my brother ask me to help, my mind will automatically tell me to shout at him becuase I don't like command and being controled. My bad! If he would come to me by asking a favor, properly, I would do better! One very bad thing about myself is where every time he ask me to do his work, directly comes to mind is "No, I cannot do this; You are making a lot of trouble; You waste my time; ..." After that, I can do even better of what he wants. My bad again! I should have talk to him in proper way, react in a better way. Just a confusing feeling, is when what kind of a situation he puts you in... A brother? A friend? or simply an employee? Many things that he didn't tell me but sometimes he share ideas with me... Sometimes he ask opinion from me and sometimes he instruct me...

I can tell you one thing, no matter what you do today and what you own today, remember those people in your life that actually help you. Don't think that they suppose to help you or they should help you. Remember, if in the starting point, they don't exist or they resist to help and sit back to watch you die, how would it be? It is just like a trade, you give money and I take the goods but only difference is you get the benefits but you owe people a value that cannot be paid by money because they free you one moment of loyalty. You have to evaluate it sometimes because some people are bad. Most importantly, avoid benefit crush and stay cool with people! My god, I feel to hungry after complaining, need to find food or else I'll struggling in hunger!

"Camplains"

2010-10-21T01:18:00.002+08:00

Have you ever wonder why I've been on blog so frequent these days. Yeah, one of the reason is because I'm working on a blog for the company and main reason is that I'm totally bored and free. Most of the time because of busy doing stuff, tired having rest or somehow having activities with others that keeps me away from blogging. Then I realized that there are actually so little things that I can do when I'm actually free and there are not much friends that have the same interest that I can hang out with. So, I often kept myself alone.

Some says that computer freaks are like that but I don't see how it really was. Somehow if people are computer freaks, they hang out with the game freaks instead. I feel very pity for myself, so little friend in life and so little interest that I can do when I'm free. Now I realized that if you spent too much time in working and studying, many things that you have forgone. I'm one of the good example. It sounds really weird but I'm not a social & network type of guy, but I tent to be appealing just covering, packaging and marketing myself. haha... what a joke!

I don't know, just felt kinda lonely these days. Should I be more open and stop thinking about things. I'm am definitely a thinking freak. Every time I close my eyes when I'm in bed, I think of many things. Work, studies, money, people and I even imagine many things. Maybe we can say it in this way, I tell myself bedtime stories sometime. Definitely is a bad thing! Its great if I can fall asleep easily but no, I have to get myself tired, thinking about these stuff and I'm very tired, really really tired. Today, I did the same thing again. Then I went online and no one I feel to talk to. There I go, I make my own story here, talking to myself. Kinda sad having life like this, only work and studies lights up my life. Even if entertainment, I think sometimes I'm glad that I had fun with friends but most of the time, I enjoy cooking for myself, watching movies or series and just lay on the bed and think.

Is this a problem or is a normal thing for everyone? I like attention but I hate being in a crowd and going out. I enjoy eating out but I hate going out alone! Should I just start socializing start finding the other person? I think I'm coward to go "out" and that's why I ended up telling stories here. Changing my thinking and just try anything? What was in my mind is that I don't want to try and fail, I just don't risk. Sometimes I even wish for the right one to come but always those that are not. Is really not easy being in this type of community. You can never tell the people beside you are one of it until they ask you "out". If you are one, you should know what I'm talking about. I don't want stuff like that. I enjoy shopping, movies, eating out and most important thing is to talk, to know people. That's why I rejected some.

Now I really miss my family, the house, the baby, my mom and her cooking of course. That's the only thing I have and I really enjoy. It's really good to stay at home during this holiday because I'm being taken care of. However, as when I'm home, I do not think like that. People are like that, they won't treasure when they have things. Now I'm getting trouble to really fall asleep, is there anyone out there?

"My Family"

2010-10-19T22:39:00.003+08:00

Yesterday Weng Kit approached me and told me that the FGO actually offers us to proceed one of a subject from next semester. First thing that comes into mind is that I wanted to get in it and back Kampar. Its somehow joy and also worries. We actually discussing about Penang trip with mom and Chai Ru along with the baby. Brother is not going for dinner at Penang but he will be driving them to Penang instead. I don't feel like joining this kind of activity because I thought it is boring old mans party. However, I really don't know what should I do before registering for the subject.

Something that comes to my mind, telling me that I should go with my mom because it will also be a boring trip for her. I would also wanted to go back to Kampar maybe a few days and when they traveling back, they could pick me up. Mom raises an idea, suggesting me to stay at home to help water the plants. What a stupid idea but I know what she is thinking. I can feel that a lonely old lady would want his son to be around. Few days back to hometown for holidays, I think mom do feel happy because she are accompanied. If I were not there, imagine how lonely she will be? Sometimes I worry about her, taking of the baby. Is she capable? It seems going smooth these days and I hope that she is healthy. Now, I'm in Kampar and my mom could not take care of her children with her own watchful eyes and how many activities she can do at home, alone with the baby? Dear mom, I just feel so bad... I know as when I say I'm going back to Kampar so soon, you feel bad too... I'm sorry that I didn't really stay longer, at home, with you!

Yesterday night, I spent few of the rush hour at home, playing with the baby. Sometimes I think that our house have many babies including me, brother and my sister. Now sister was not here, and I left, the only big baby left would be my brother. I remember yesterday night he asked me whether I wanted supper or not and he went to the fridge, and took out hotdogs and nuggets with joy. I told him everyone is going to bed, who is going to cook? He didn't answer! Then, later on, I asked him the same question and he told me to put it back to the fridge and I can feel that he is not happy. So I made him supper! I hope he felt warm having family members together with him. In his career, I think not much people can share ideas, his success and his joy but only me, for him. I worry about everyone! I felt that everyone needed each persons in the family. Hope later when I graduate, I can make this family better!

"Somethings gone bad, sad!"

2010-10-18T01:05:00.002+08:00

Do you ever believe in destiny? I always do! Sometimes I feel really sad to have no one to talk to. I mean some other kind of stuff. Many people asked me, what kind of the other half you are looking for and what the hell are you still being single. If I can tell, many things would have changed. I always believe that there are someone special, that are meant for everybody, each individual. I also believe in true love and love in a first sight. Sounds naive? but it sounds romantic to me...

Sometimes I blame stuff or should I blame myself where I'm not brave enough to show who am I or not brave enough to chase over something? There are things that I'm still confused with and I need some time to find out the answer. But one thing I'm sure, looking for a good person for your life is about the personality, who the person is but not sex or other kind of stuff. Some guys claim that they will know both, each other by having sex but I never agree about that. Maybe yes, I do desire for sex but I prefer having dinner or hanging out for movies and most importantly, I know that person by talking to them. Traditional? I think its respect and understanding a person.

Everyone seeks a perfect relationship and I don't think most have one. People argue about stuff, blaming each other and counting on each other. It doesn't make sense. Try think that you do have a chance to be with this person and you only know him for that little time, why not just let them a chance to show who they are and we fit in? It doesn't goes that perfect for families where everyone actually stay with siblings for half of their lives.

Looking for a perfect person is not easy too. I remember how mom actually work so hard for us in the previous days. She slept alone for many years and as when we went for school and for work, she is always alone. I'm scared and worried that I will loose her someday. I wanted to share, the other half of my life with her. Luckily there is a baby now and she is accompanied and I'm not that worried but yet, it won't be long and people will leave her someday, left her alone again. How if there is this person that can share happiness with my family and own this family with me. I think I would have to keep looking for it, I do believe!

"Meaning of life"

2010-10-07T14:59:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, what is the meaning of having you and me in this world. My mom always mumble, saying my sister this & that and my sister keeps on arguing with everyone, suspecting the others having bad thoughts about her. Is that really important to show how good you are in front of the family members or your friends? How good if everyone where humble and willing to learn from each other and love each other, especially family members?

There is no reasons to blame everyone about family relationships. Maybe because of generation gab or education background that make us different but communication span all barriers. I have been staying at home these days and talk quite a lot with mom these days. Helping her with the housework and taking care of the baby and I realized that it is not easy to be a responsible person. Even back in Kampar, I will have to spend time with Ah Boy, taking care of it just like a baby because it is my responsibility to take care of it even it is weaker than me. I can bet, over 10, 9 of them not willing to spend time for others or if they do, they still cannot do it good for others because of selfishness.

How many times you volunteer yourself to help your mom with the housework? How willing are you when you were told to help out? How willing are you to spend time with your family, spending time to know about them, to help them? Relationships are always a trouble but with only relationship, will keep our life colorful, do you agree? I see sister and mom have tight bond in between, is just that they do not communicate and know each other more. It is a mirror, for me to see how should I do. My sister says that mom always pamper me, but I can say that I tried my best to know my mom well but yet, I'm not good enough.

Alike my brother, he spend time with his work but at home, will he appreciate what he have now? I think, it is very good luck to have someone taking care of you, worrying about you and always thinking of you. Having these people in your life, you have plenty of time to do other things and in return, do you think about them too? He would feel annoy when he is asked to do this and that to spend money on this and that. There is not many choice for both of us and one day, I will take up his responsibility to take care of the family too.

Now, everyone are here, together, but I always worry that it will gone bad one day, someone is leaving someday. Looking at sister, brother and mom, how this relationship turn good one day? What should I do to help and what role should I play? How I hope my sister stop being so naive and my brother to care more about the family? I do not know what they are thinking and I do believe that we care about each other but we do not express it. Hopefully it would be better someday.

"Silent Night"

2010-10-04T23:37:00.003+08:00

It's been a week since year three semester one final exam passes. I spend most of the time at home, wondering, sleeping, watching tv and keep on Facebook. Although there are plenty of work that I should do but it seems that I keep on giving myself reasons to waste time. I'm not doing very good in the previous semester and I do hope that it would be lucky for me to achieve 3.0 CGPA. Lazy guy with a big desire!

Actually, it is really confusing week. I spent time thinking about many things. Of course, one of it is my project and I was worrying that I have submitted a plan that I cannot achieve. I just not sure that what I have done and this simple plan contains many things that I do not know. I should start working on things instead. Oh, not forgetting, I have done a lot of blogs this week and that's I'm worrying about too. Perhaps I can say that I have lost my passion for doing these stuff for my brother although there are money to earn. But he didn't pay me for many months already and I have totally forgot about that money. Holiday, no pocket money and I wanted to go shopping so much.

Thinking about money, I dream of what kind of work that I like most for my future. I think I should have started planning for my graduation and I was thinking how to re-decorate the room when I'm back for graduating. It seems that I have been dreaming too early and there are still a long way to go. I was thinking how can I help my brother to manage his bridal house but there are many things that he wouldn't want to share. I don't know that whether I'm jealous but definitely, it is one of the thing that interest me. I have many ideas to share but I was afraid to tell because overall, it is his business, not mine, how would he thinks and how well he can listen to people and try new things? So, I took a different consideration of going into some work that involve events organizing. I think it would be fun and when I have my own capital, I wanted my own cafe!

However, thinking about my dream, I would once question myself, who will I share it with? There is this person that came into my life these days. I cannot tell how deep this person falls for me but it really makes me headache. It is hard to trust someone from Facebook and we only went out once. I heard many stories from this person and definitely, I never lie. I didn't expect a person that is older than me and I was hoping to have someone that are appealing. But overall, the important thing is the feel and how well the opposite partner actually cares about me. This person tells me sweet words and missing me a lot but I don't feel the passion in between and to chase over it. I remember this person told me in msn "I really like you de" but how well this person really knows about me? If so, why is it very hard to propose to have a relationship instead? As long as I cannot make sure our relationship, I treated this relationship as friendship until today. We have conversation in msn but addressing each other "dear" hunt me with lots of question about trusting this person. Will it be different from others to have a relationship or a relationship doesn't requires sms or phone calls, skipping a step of puppy love? Will it be a relationship that we will miss each other when the opposite are needed for sex? I don't get it and I really do not know about it!

"绯闻",4月1日, 晴

2010-04-01T13:44:00.002+08:00

其实很奇怪，可以看到大部分我写的都是不开心的东西！为什么那么烦呢？又来了！

这几天，发生了两件事！一个不用说就是工作啦！其实我很不明白，我自己的老板是怎样的人！过了这么久，我找不到，他可以让我崇拜他的理由，为他卖命的理由！可能是真的没东西做，或可能，他看不起我，不会重用我。坦白地说，我不是来做中学毕业生都能做的东西！他说的美，说会给机会我们表现，可是统统到现在都还没兑现！不见得他有多重用我们！或可能，他的东西，我们真的帮不上忙吧。但其实，我很想告诉他，我不是来坐的，我不是那种浪费时间的人。认识我的人都知道，我很积极！要买我忠心，很容易，但要我反目，更是容易！为什么，他不让我们尝试不同的东西呢？难，不要紧！慢，我会做好它！但就让我们在那，没事情做呀！不过，他看的都是表面的东西，看起来我很懒散，天天上网玩游戏，其实，我没浪费时间！我天天都在学习。希望，他可以看到我在努力，而他们却天天只是上网，玩游戏！

而另外一件事，就是是非咯！其实，我真得很不开心！出自真心的关怀，一个男人应该有的风度，被人家讲成我喜欢佩莹。真得很令我反感，很令我讨厌她，很想摆脱她，让所有人都看得到，我是单身的！人人都叫我不要那样，可是你是想想，连自己身边的朋友都说他们感觉我喜欢她，那时不时提醒了我，我做得太多了！更是白痴得是，她男朋友还在网上骂我。今早，我打了给他，他总是让我感觉到他在责怪我！我没那个义务照顾你的女朋友啊！我已近对她好到全世界的人都误会我喜欢她呀，现在我想要换回我自己的清白啊！想想一下，她男朋友很没用！

讲真的，我其实对她没什么，是看她是女的，难道是你你不帮她吗？但是，为了自己清白，我不管！我还要找我理想对象，我不想让这个什么都不是的人破坏我的梦想！我知道我在等怎样的人！我已经很累了，还让她天天粘着我，我还有希望吗？人家一定觉得我已经和她一起了! 那天，我摆脱了她，我找了一个理由，让她先走，终于，我平静下来了，走路也慢了！我还是喜欢独来独往的感觉，可以让我有多余的时间想想东西。真的，让妈妈看中了，这个女生真的会拖累我，我之前不信，我太笨了！我妈妈真得很会看人！不是她的错，是我有我的想法，想让自己好过点！我不知道我该怎样！可是，我自己单独，我会开心点，可以保留一点空间，我可以找我想找的人！这个女生，算我不会欣赏，我也不可能会对她产生任何感情！

"放不下的大石",11月4日,雨！

2009-11-04T01:37:00.002+08:00

其实一个人有多成功，不是在于他有多少钱或有多少权利！你可以什么都没有，可以是一个普通的人，而你在别人的心目中占有一个地位才是本事！不管别人对他的印象是好还是坏的，他都成功影响了很多人。很多人为他担心，很多人为他觉得可惜，很多人为他哭泣，而此时此刻，也有很多人会像我那样放不下！

今天，我们应该为CW 开心，因为是他的生日。不过，整个路途中，我都会想起元凯！真的觉得很对不起，不是说要放下就放下。我一得空或是放下心情的时候，就会想起他。想着为什么他会死，怎样死，而他最后一面又会是怎样的。都觉得有一点后悔，为一可以为他做的，我都办不到，没去看他。

今天，在学院的时候，我经过CM的科室。以前，都会看见星仔在那里，都会看见他认真做事的样子，有时傻笑的样子。我还记得，他讲话吞吞吐吐的呢！有时候，又会在BLOCK E看到他，有时候，又会在DDK外见到元凯！哈哈！不过，今天走过，BLOCK E冷冷清清的，CM科室一个人也没有，走廊就只有那几个人，仿佛没了他们，就没了乐趣，可能是我心情低落吧，因为平时会注意的人不在了，以后都不在了！没有了星仔对我傻笑，没有元凯来欺负我了！很可悲的是，我曾经和元凯很亲密，很接近，大家住在一起，可是，连一张照片也没有，连他生日我也不记得了。现在，我有一个电话号码，我不能再打了。有两个MSN CONTACT 永远都不会再ONLINE了。算是遗憾吗？

"元凯和星仔走了!",11月2日，阴。

2009-11-02T20:55:00.007+08:00

昨晚到今天都带着一个很不安的心情。人真得很奇怪，有的时候，偏偏不珍惜，没有的时候才心思思。昨天晚上，我发现了一个很惊人的消息。那个在我印象中，心底脆弱而外表坚强的许元凯走了！好好的一个人，就这样走了，就是说走就走！更可悲的是，星仔也一起走了。林耀鸿啊，你是天下间最倒霉的人。以前，中学的时候，又是这样失去一个朋友，现在又是这样，失去朋友！

其实，天会不会很不公平？一个好好的人，应该得到这样的下场吗？如果，他是病死，我们还说可以接受，这一个事实。可是，万万都想不到，寻找开心的代价是那么大的！报章有报道说，道地的村民有劝他们不要下水玩，可是有没有都好，是谁的错都好，事情已经发生了！我总是觉得很不公平，很无辜！Nigel 出事的时候，我很明白，哪一种感觉是害怕，恐惧，还有担心。而这一次，我没有那么伤心，而是一直在想这一个人的好，他的每一件事，他说的话，他的样子，还有怀念那一种特别的感觉。这两个人，在我心目中留下了很特别的印象，搞得我心不在焉，因为他们是很特别的人！

还记得，我第一次到金宝的时候，第一个认识的人，就是你啦，许元凯！我总觉得你是真得很好看，不过，我没说出来。如果，你现在听到，一定很开心。你真的是一个很好的人，因为，我想了很久，都想不到你有什么不好，而你好的一面，一幕一幕的反应在我脑海里。我反而很怕，很怕我曾经对不起你，亏待你！如果有的话，我真的不知道要如何为你补偿。对不起，我没为你做过很特别的事，而你一直都扮演着一个很好的角色。看来，不会做人的是我！

喂，你还记得，你爱美的样子吗？那时，做UTAR MODEL时，一直减肥，练FIT自己。哈哈！许元凯，你有一个很好听的名字，有一个很好看的样子，有一个很特别的声音，有一个很开朗的性格，已经很特别了。我会记得你跟我过，不要为了别人的事而烦，让自己不开心，你也是哦！到怎么讲，我都会希望你会开心。你走了，我答应你，我心中会留一个位给你，是永久地契的哦，满意吗？哈哈！安息啦！

"Glad that everyone is ok!", 11Sept, midnight!

2009-09-11T02:59:00.001+08:00

I went through some of friend’s blog. Saw them having great time and I think there really fine now. Actually I do miss those times where we are together in high school. The school sucks but things are rather memorable. Haha! And and and, some people I really miss. I saw QY in facebook today. Gosh, suddenly refreshes my mind, everything about us just pop up in the mind, what he said, what he did and it seems like things changed a lot and he gets better and better. I don’t know what to say. I just miss him a lot. Many things that he thought me and every time I just remembered it but I don’t realized it. After I saw his face, I do remember this person. He is really a great guy and really a person I can talk to. But I hope not a bull now coz everyone already grown up and I hope he never smokes. How good if a guy likes soft toys?

I wonder how goes with Kathleen, Atika, Melanie, Soon Tat? How good if I can meet everyone! Haha… Everyone now… just… so good but seem like I’m still me… haih! Sucks! Exams coming up but can’t sleep. There are many things I need to worry about. Test, test, test, assignment, assignment, assignment, and finally exam, exam, exam! Never mind, good night everybody!

"Another Thoughts of My", 9 Sept, boring day!

2009-09-09T03:05:00.000+08:00

All the problems already solve, Aboy temporarily not a problem now, and money already in hand. But still, some things come to my mind. I went out supper with FH just now. I, FH, KT & JC talked a lot about people in the class, and I found out many things about people. Comparing this semester to last semester, I really did a great job in handling all my stuff and I really glad that I’m back. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, doing all the assignments and really study for everything. In fact, sometimes things are really unfair in life. I mean I do work hard and I aimed very good marks in the assignments but just that I cannot aim well in tests and quizzes, my coursework are all lower than BH. I know that he is actually trying to be humble but is just his way is totally wrong and people feel uncomfortable. He likes to compare, and when we found out he lied and his better than us, he just say that his lucky. Ya rite, I got cia.

Actually, I don’t think much about that because I know how much I did and I don’t want to compare with people. But, it’s when I know how much I did, people got better than me just because I did the best. Wait, I’m I wrong in thinking or I’m jealous. People are jealous, people gone mad about jealousy, why should I. Now the point is, are people beside me really using me or they are really people that really I can be friend with. I mean, I do like this guy! I can say that he is nice, can say that he is good looking and sometimes, he make me feel warm to have him around. But ugrh, think about he is stingy, selfish, political and sometimes noob like shit. God, how on earth people like that can survive.

So, I really don’t know how people think. As when they come with words that says they want to group with me, what really comes in their mind first? Wow, this guy can do well in assignments or this guy is really a good person I can work with? I’m really confused! Many times I realized that people did their job and send to me but it end up I need to edit everything then only include in the assignments. Is it my requirements and standards are high or I cannot trust people at all where I rather do things myself. But I can proof my stuff can really aim for higher marks, that’s the truth. So, my fault or peoples’ fault?

There is one thing that I totally disagree with Albert, a good leader should give guidance to their members but as if I need to teach them from the top to the end, why should I pass the work to them, why not I do it myself? Is not that I should teach them how to do. If it’s like that, why I want you where you didn’t bare my burden at all. I would have to think properly for semester! Having members should allow us to come up with something better but not having my job more heavily. But I cannot deny that BH did a little job in helping. I just wonder, it doesn’t come up to my mind that I can simply include people’s work without checking it. Oh, maybe Lawrence? Maybe I thought too much and instead I should leave BH next semester. Actually, without notice, he really has potential to be a leader. I mean like me, I would like my members to be independent, I tell the requirements and they perform whatever they can. But he will suddenly come to you and ask you either do you need help or do need text book. That’s when I feel warm! He so concern is because of coursework marks or he is concern on me? I rather people concern on me!

"感想",9月6日,又是超烂的一天!

2009-09-06T20:08:00.001+08:00

我发现，其实我自己真得很可悲。有一些时候，很困难，没有人可以靠。是自己孤僻还是人家都不喜欢我？刚才，我做了很白疵的事，为了省钱，骗永杰他们，拒绝他们一起晚餐。结果，就搞成自己这样。

其实，已经很久，我都不开心了。自己买饭，自己吃饭，我还觉得我开始像以前的CW，常常连着别人。以前，我去买饭，我都会觉得今天的菜还不错，便宜又好吃。可是刚才，我走在路上，都不知道拿着那包饭做什么？我不想怨的，就因为妈妈，我要省钱，搞得自己，这个又不能，自己都不像自己，远离朋友，不合他们玩，连那个开心地我，都走了！人真得很可悲，每个人都被钱绑着，为钱烦，为钱努力，为钱工作，甚至还有一些，为钱死。我养了ABOY我当然懂妈妈有多辛苦！自己吃不饱，都要喂饱它，不顾情，也该顾责任吧！可是这个道理，我学会了，但妈妈不会站在我立场想。如果她是那么的反对，当初就不该叫我如何养狗，对不对？我厌倦和人相处可是更厌倦自己一个人。我不能赖妈妈，而是自己做得不好。其实真的很幸运，有辉煌，突然觉得还对人家不够好呢！

我开始觉得自己很惨，我很烦，我讨厌那个家，讨厌那个妈妈，讨厌自己，讨厌工作，讨厌现实，讨厌生活！天是不是在玩我，偏要在我考试的时候，让我那么烦！我千万不能乱，我还有自己的目标。不用怕，还有时间，不可以乱！我告诉你哦，林耀鸿是坚强的，不会那么容易打倒的，辛苦我都要撑下去，真的！

"烦死人啊！",9月4日,又是很烂的一天啊！

2009-09-04T17:55:00.003+08:00

他妈的！是不是要搞得，我很可怜，吃不好，谁不着？其实，我也有不好，用钱没规划，不过也不用搞得现在我那么烦嘛！其实，这几天都不能好好平复自己的心情。有很多是要烦！上一个SEM为了N的事，搞得我心不在焉。处理感情，我不行啦！什么事都不做，就让上个SEM拿得那么烂的成绩！这个SEM真的要双倍努力，才可以拿回3.0! 很希望这个时候，有一个人会在身边安慰我，支持我。不过，可以依赖的妈妈，偏又在这个不适当的时候，让我那么烦！我应该赶快解决掉这个问题，要不然，考试的时候，不是烦上加烦吗？但是，上一次，鼓起了勇气，打电话给她，可是她说她忙，现在又如何在鼓起勇气去解决呢？不简单啊！有谁能救救我啊？

我累了！

2009-09-04T00:26:00.003+08:00

很久没写BLOG了！这个SEM超忙的，连放下心情，透透气，都没时间。人家说，人生是享受，可是对我来讲，人生何时是享受，而是烦恼和问题！这几天，我都一直很烦！很多东西要做，很多东西要想，搞得我都不知道是怎样了！

一开始，我真得很喜欢在这里，因为有自己的空间，有自己的时间。不过，在这里呆了那么就，反而觉得很厌倦，你懂吗。到底，有没有人能了解呢？真心的知己，又没几个，本来有，又因为白疵的事，搞得大家，话也没几句，还有点偏见。本来，可以好好做朋友的，就搞得现在，一个月都不知有讲几句话。不知道，我到底在人家心底，我是怎样的价值。本来，和这间家的人都很不错，不过很多事情，我都很难认同，他们的pattern beh tahan 勒！看到喜欢的人，又撞墙。安慰的是，还有辉煌和宝熊。这两个人，算是我接触最多的吧！

其实，平时都很照顾自己的形象，好好打扮打扮，要显得帅一点，可是其实自己不就是很烂，你说对不对？不知道自己在别人眼中，我是怎样的呢？很累啊，天天都要烦，有朋友又烦，怕伤害别人；没朋友，又烦！人生不就是烦咯！

Aboy 的事又搞得我也很烦。妈妈又不体谅，每一次打来，要骂我，都可以，因为错就该骂吗，我明白。可是最不能忍受的事，每一次，话说不对，就盖人电话，就搞得我心情很烦。前几天，不就应为这样，忍无可忍，和她吵起来咯。我还有很多事情要做，给她那搞一搞，又搞扎了我好好的一天。每一次，都给我压力。我明白，她也很辛苦，可是两母子，是不是因该有商有量的呢？给我一点时间，去找一个很好的方法，解决我的不是吗！钱，钱，钱！我在这里过好一点，就花很多钱。养那只狗，又花很多钱。现在，你看，我拼命省钱，就变得自己变孤岛咯！很可怜啦！想哭啊！

Aboy的事，我承认，它真的是一个很大的负担，对于大家来讲，如果可以送走它，我们大家都会轻松一点。可是没有人会明白到，我对它那一份感情，不是只是责任，而是朋友。它虽然有时让人生气，可是我看见他的可爱，看见他的尊重，看见他的乖巧，看见他很多很好的一面。只是，没人明白，它是一只狗，不会想的狗，而不是它要特地得罪人的！

明天要交租金了，又怕妈妈没进钱，公司又迟迟不进钱，我要死了啦！烦死啦！

CPU motivation camp, 20th June, Total Fun!

2009-06-20T18:44:00.004+08:00

For this moment, I'm just very tired! Its like I've been doing too many for a little. Weird... In these few days, I didn't sleep well! Will it be stress or other reasons? I had great appetite dinner just now. It just like free from all stress, no need to worry on anything, just sit back and finish dinner, and now writing my feelings down!

For the whole week we been busy preparing and finally today we put it on the show! We work so hard and I think we already did the best! In stead, did I push everyone too hard? I am not a leader but Zheng Hong; will he mind that I'm been handling all the things and directing all the way? Paise le...

But through this event, I realize many things! Being a leader is not an easy thing; Starting... will be a good beginning; Tolerating... is one should be learning; Doing it... is total challenging; Helping... means communicating; Effort... is an important thing & being the best... will be the greatest thing!

I think today is really a great success but just not in our expectation. Few came and we did organized the games nicely. Hopefully everyone have fun! Sad to say that it is really rush but no choice... as long as things goes ok... then ok! If there is a second chance, I would have did it better. Here, I really like to say that guys... Pooi Yen, Zheng Hong, Mark, Wai Kit, Bernerd, Hui Wen, Vincent, Loo Huey and Lay Kim, thank you for following and helping me all along! Thank you! Plz do remember the Sailormoon, Cute Girl Poses, Dance Move from KungFu Movie, 70's Dance and the Action Kamen from Crayon Sin Chan!

I don't know that did I did well or anything but really fun... I met this nice people as I am leading group 4... In fact, they are really super intelligent people, sporting and open... can't remember their names but try remember their face ba... haha... good job guys... remember our "Just Prize" lollipops haha...

Huh... Lets just relax in this moment! After tonight, there is more to do and we have to turn to a new chapter! Work, housework, homework, test quiz, tutorials and assignment... I think it will be better tomorrow! Something sad is that it doesn't really happens just like wad I wish... DAMN IT!!! haha... never mind... a better one coming... remember that!
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Photo coming soon!

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"Cameron Trip",5月14日，乐！

2009-05-17T19:57:00.027+08:00

"Lessons to learn", 5月15日，晴.

2009-05-15T10:58:00.002+08:00

I have been through someone’s blog just now and having some words in my mind. I have already been through the whole semester and just back from a trip to Cameron but seems like I did nothing but stepping backward, no improvement either in life, attitude or somehow myself!

Actually, sometimes I feel tired of being around with people because it sometimes makes you disappointed when you expect too much from people. Like what Vincent says, “People don’t wish you to treat them so good so you don’t expect of having a return!” I was wandering, how if everyone thinks a like then how would everything be? As when things go back normal like before, as people treat him so good and not mumble him, he will just treat you better than ever. No, I don’t want be a person like that; I truly believe as when people treating you so good, we should appreciate it but not push it away with selfish words because it poisons people’s heart. Maybe it’s very tiring practicing this but I do believe it’s the right way. Doing things for people is for return but it’s for people to feel better, comfortable and to help people! So, I and Weng Kit don’t mean to force him to do housework and even not expect him to do any but we just like to mumble because of his attitude!

Staying with them for the whole semester, how they do and what they like I think I know much. Being around with people in class, having problem with friends it’s all over but think back, now it’s the time to set rules and role to play next semester. Come on, I’ve been lost for so long, for Nick and the others and now, maybe it’s a lesson for me! So, I’ll take it as a challenge! I’ll do things better! Never mind, I’ll do everything! As when I can do many things better than people, I think I’m better than anyone! The only thing I feel sad about is, will there really be a really truthful person? Maybe it’s just a wish for birthday and it will never happen but how if a gift for good deed? God! Naa… stop dreaming!

Last semester, I didn’t do well in either studies and relationship or even managing time for housework and work! Now, I don’t expect people to change and just let them be whatever they are! The thing is, you’ll know I’ll be a better one next semester! No more blaming causes by stupid things happened! It will be a good start!

Why everyone have no initiative to do anything for the house?

2009-04-28T02:42:00.001+08:00

Why everyone have no initiative to do anything for the house? This is been a stupid question asked and asked by myself repeat and repeat. I mean, look at me… I have lots of things to do… cleaning the house, take care of the dog, cooking, handling the laundries, work, study and hey, that took me a lot of time, ok! From the beginning I treat every person so good because I do care about these people. For me, I think it’s ok for me to do everything because every friend have different role. Some DotA kaki la; some are shit heads that drinks and some share same hobbies, study together or whatever and I think the only thing I’m good with its all that. Maybe change it to other people I know, sure I will do the same thing. This is me! Being good no need a reason, and although people are shit heads, I will also try to do my best but of course there is a limit. So go ahead and take advantage on me!

Look back, who never will mumble, I mean when you keep doing so many things, you will feel unfair sometimes. Like Nick, stay in the room and just focus in his study and when he have free time, just gaming, then others just help him do everything. I’ve been wondering, can you automatically do something like at least filling water? Don’t shit, sometimes Vincent came down and complain, why no water already? Why not ask that why no one fills water… and this afternoon he answered me that every time he fills water. Hey, are you sure? And maybe yes because that’s the only thing he did. Come on, if you tell me that you never drinks water at home, fine, no one will mumble you anymore… If you wish people to shut up, then you should play a good role, but not selfish and damn self-centered. Contribute a little bit won’t die ok! At least sometimes help around with tiny little things!

Look in the end; it turns up to be I’m a fool! Sometimes I’m so angry because of no one will spare their time to help on the housework. Everyone just busy with their things and then I should do everything is it? Even stupid thing that I heard is “we now have no time because of exam is around, why need to cook instead of eating out us better!” DA! Ask you to help once only then how about me?

But fine, just to express! I will remember the good things they did, it's just sometimes too depress and we all forgot about that! I know what role I have to play and I’m sticking to it! After what Nick had made me learn, I know what I should do. People who will appreciate it would be great but those who do not know, it’s the same, as long as I keep to my own moral values, my role! No offence!

"BBQ"，4月20日的前三天，晚！

2009-04-20T17:58:00.015+08:00

Thank you guys... for the presents!

What U want?

Do U want cakes?

ABoy ate too much...

All drunk

"感想"，4月20日，晚！

2009-04-20T02:29:00.000+08:00

其实每一次生日，我都会希望得到很多东西！希望会有很多人祝福我，和我庆祝！每一年都是冷冷清清的，家里的人也没和我庆祝，朋友又不多。。。也那么巧，我每一次生日，都会遇上假期，还是周末，或是我更本都不会让别人知道自己生日是几时！今年，其实，我希望我一个好朋友，会和我庆祝，可是她连祝福也没有，看来这个朋友真得没了！

近年来，我都有一个同样的愿望，可是到现在都还没实现！这一次，我就希望可以找到一个真的知心的人，至少，会珍惜我的人！我开始会怕和人相处，更怕认识知己，因为我遇到太多很烂人。他就是其中一个！短短几个月，竟然发生了很多事！我还以为，我很了解这个朋友，而我的生日会有他给我礼物，可是他连唱生日歌，他都没出现，只是躲在房间里面！真得那么难面对吗？还是，我更本一开始就不是他的朋友？不过，也要多谢他，是他让我从梦中醒来，回到这个现实生活！是他让我知道，人是多么的丑陋，那我更应该坚持自己的道德和原则！不过，今年，最大的安慰，就是发现，原来还有很多人把自己当成好朋友！算是一个很好的成绩单吧？可见，不是我有问题，我是想改变他，而是他在逃避自己！现在，我发现，有一个好朋友，就可以代替很多个他，更何况，我有很多，哪一个他，真的没价值了！

这一个生日，的确很有意义！我学会了很多，看清楚了很多事情！20岁了，而我又长一智了，我很光荣！不过，可悲的是，我做错了很多！一开始，不应该给与别人那么多感情，不应该对于别人那么坦白，也不应该那么的多事！生日快乐，耀鸿！

"美食篇，冷面杀手"，4月13日，晚！

2009-04-13T22:33:00.011+08:00

其实，是辉煌在杂志上看到的！看起来很好吃，大家就试试看咯！都是辉煌努力去找回来的材料。不过这一餐就贵了点，不划算啦！不过很好吃！做法都很简单！棒！和大家分享一下咯！

我们的至尊食谱！

材料有，乌冬面，三文鱼。。。自己有眼看啦！

我在切鱼起皮起骨！

你看你看，那个在偷看，你看什么啦？

切了几久才切到这样，难切到！辉煌，下次我们买便的吧！

同时，要记得煮面哦！

把菜切丝！

看到吗？我们把材料都放在一起了！

“捞匀它”

“分庄啦！”

好好吃啦！不过还可以进步，第一次，算不错了！10个给他八个赞！

"很棒的一首歌"，4月12日，雨！

2009-04-12T22:05:00.000+08:00

歌詞:

想跟我吵架我沒那麼無聊
不懂得道歉我沒那麼聰明
好想要回到我們的原點

你又在哭泣我給不了安慰
我又在搖頭有那麼點後悔
愛情的發展已難以回頭
卻無法往前走

但身不由己出現在胸口
兩顆心能塞幾個問號
愛讓我們流多少眼淚

你的眼神充滿美麗帶走我的心跳
你的溫柔如此靠近帶走我的心跳
逆轉時光到一開始能不能給一秒
等著哪一天你也想起
那懸在記憶中的美好

想跟我吵架我沒那麼無聊
不懂得道歉我沒那麼聰明
好想要回到我們的原點

但身不由己出現在胸口
兩顆心能塞幾個問號
愛讓我們流多少眼淚

你的眼神充滿美麗帶走我的心跳
你的溫柔如此靠近帶走我的心跳
逆轉時光到一開始能不能給一秒
等著哪一天你也想起
那懸在記憶中的美好

你的眼神充滿美麗帶走我的心跳
你的溫柔如此靠近帶走我的心跳
逆轉時光到一開始能不能給一秒
等著哪一天你也想起
那懸在記憶中的美好

"浪漫小王子"，4月10日的前2天，傍晚。

2009-04-10T17:37:00.004+08:00

辉煌特地要我和 Jaimie 帮他准备晚餐给他和女友来庆祝他们的3周年！浪漫嘞！立健要追女孩子，向人学习啦！0.1% 都不如啊！其实，他算很有心的。虽然不是自己下手，可是自己买材料，还刻意安排整天不在家，希望给她惊喜！给10个赞！可惜的是，我们煮得不够好，要不然，就 perfect!

很够油水嘞，可惜不是很熟！

"感想"，4月10日，傍晚。

2009-04-10T17:32:00.000+08:00

昨天，我们和辉煌借了吸尘机！今天家里的人就兴致勃勃在清理家里。算好啦，还会做家务！更值得的是，那个说不要靠人的，自己清理房间。我还以为他残废了呢！可是大家不要觉得很好哦，我可以100% 肯定，里面还是呢么肮脏的！哈哈！不过还好啦，至少他会动手去做，不过他是不会懂我是如何帮他清理房间的，而有多辛苦的！要做到经可能干净，不简单嘞。东西又很多，电线又放在地上，房间家私摆式又怪怪得，怎样才能弄得干净呢？

之前我说过，能够在一起是一种缘分，而这个缘分，是要很努力，造很多富，经过很多世，很多困难，才能得到的。既然是那么珍贵，为他人做一点点事，会难过得到这一份缘分吗？其实可以做朋友，都算是福气。他可能会是你的贵人，在你需要他的时候帮助你，陪你渡过难关！每一个人都有每一个人的好，是看有多还是少，还有在哪一方面。有一些人，会对朋友都很好；有一些人，会对事业很认真！有一些人会很疼老婆，而有一些人，会很疼家人！有一些人样样都好，可是有一些人就样样都不好。看情况咯！其实，人本性是善良的，只是大家目标不一样，生在不一样的环境里，所以才会有不一样的想法和看法！那当然这个时候，大家就要学会互相迁就和包容。我们不能自私，如果人人都自私，那还有谁可以帮你？神？不要说，我们不靠别人！有一些人, 可以闯一番大事业，就是因为人缘好，人家给机会他！有一些人，家庭幸福美满，儿孙满堂，是因为他们懂得家的重要，家里的人都学会如何家和万事兴！对吗？有一些人，死了都没人管，那你应该懂为什么了吧？如果有一天，你离开这个时间的时候，你会要多少个人，心甘情愿来你的灵堂？我们平时都是“哎呀，礼貌上要去的”，对不对？都是为了面子，还是给人家面子才去灵堂的。可是，我真的有试过，带着很多祝福，去别人的灵堂，Nigel 咯！

之前，真的为了一口气，蒙蔽了自己的原则！我才没那么小家！人家吃大便我跟他吃大便啊？其实，我懂应该怎样做！我应该做好我自己！为什么要为了别人，而让自己变呢！不好的就讲啦，可是好的呢？我想了很多方法和他斗气，可是值得吗？所谓人家气我我不气啊，我诺气死中他计啊！哈哈！其实，有一个道理是很对的，试想想，天上的星星都是互相包围对方，一直在一闪一闪的，发亮！其实，每一个人都会是好象星星，身边都有一些人，朋友，家人，甚至生命中的知己或伴侣！他们不断地为对方付出，可是真的需要得到回报吗？就好像妈妈一样，她不断为你，那你就要一生不结婚吗？一生都陪着她吗？可以为你出生入死的兄弟，朋友，你就要为他们牺牲吗？那如果一个不断为你的女人，你会和她结婚吗？虽然他们只是你生命中小小的一个角色，可是，我们也不应该忽略他们！要懂得感恩！其实，一开始，我懂我应该扮演什么角色！我要成为一个好朋友，很好的 housemate，很好的 coursemate！一开始，我就有对的概念，只是一时想不通，给他影响了！只要我能够保持立场，我一定可以做得很好。所以，做好我自己才是最重要！现在可能会像以前那么辛苦，可是不要紧，我会学会面对，正面的去想，就对了！希望今天得到的结论，我可以下定决心，往后可以让自己做得更好。虽然要隐瞒很多，不过一个小小的我，可以让别人开心，我是在为自己，也为别人！

"拜老豆记"，4月9日的前5天，晴！

2009-04-09T17:51:00.006+08:00

讲得那么难听，其实是去扫墓啦！跟大家分享一下咯！每一次，都没想到把过程拍下来，可是现在没什么机会可以回家，想想一下，会开始珍惜了！妈妈每一次拜拜都会很辛苦，可是我也不赖啊，我陪她做很多东西嘞！跟大家讲，其实每一次去都会在那里吃很好吃的！妈妈会做很好吃的菜的，然后大家就会在那里仿佛野餐！以前我们还小，要早早起来，妈妈当然有所准备啦，那我们就是为了吃采去的！哈哈！很不孝！哈哈！不过以前不会觉得怎样，因为那些菜都很普通，时不时就会吃。可是这一次，我好像饿鬼投胎，吃个不停，因为这里没的好吃吗！不过这一次，妈妈为了做工真得没时间，就随随便便咯！还有，姐姐为了考试，所以没去咯！大家看一下啦！

你们看到它嘴里有颗珠珠的吗？我从小到大，到现在都会玩的哦！我小的时候在想，希望有一天我可以拿出来！

隆重介绍，我妈妈，我大嫂，还有那个手嘞，uncle Lim, 我哥哥啦！

焖猪手，好吃到...

"小狗日记"，4月8日，晚！

2009-04-08T22:55:00.003+08:00

小狗已经回来一天一夜了！看他现在这样，你就可以感觉到妈妈对我们的爱和关心。它小的时候，我每晚都没得好睡，要起来喂奶。看它学会走路，看它学会吃骨头，看它跑，跳，玩，慢慢长大，你是不会让他有一点伤害，有一点残缺的！我看到啊 Boy 现在这样，我很过意不去！如果我可以当时看着它，就不会发生这样的事情！不知道，那个撞到它的人，晚上回睡得着吗？多么罪过你懂吗；一定有报应的你懂吗！如果你还懂得补偿，还可以赦免你的罪你懂吗？不过连对不起都不会讲的人，死了都没人可怜！

还记得当时后，本来开开心心从 kl 回来，在车上还想到要回家做饭给啊 Boy 吃，想不到。。。我接了一通电话，永杰叫我们去找兽医，我冷了一下。我们立刻赶回家，我看见小狗坐在地上乖乖的，我有多怕，眼泪立刻标出来了！我很怕当时没了小狗！我知道 Brian 一番好心，可是没有人会懂我的心情。啊Boy 是我一手带大的，我不会舍得让它有事！如果你们都在读，对不起 Brian，对不起 Vincent，我当时没心给脸色你们看的。你么劝我，不会有事的，可是不管它严重还是不严重，我都要它完美，我不想它有什么残缺你懂吗？

当晚，我们立刻把小狗送到怡保的诊所！一路上，我都不断胡思乱想，我怕没了啊 Boy! 可是，医生说，它没事，只是骨骼走位了，压倒神经线，所以它脚没什么直觉了。盘骨应该是有断，可是好才每刺破尿袋。医生大大力的捏它的脚，它还有反应，那就是说，它还有救！医生说它会慢慢好会，可是照我说，它已经和以前不一样了！它现在很瘦，经常脱毛，还很懒散，很静。我希望啊 Boy 会没事，要不然我真的过意不去！

"感想"，4月7日，晚。

2009-04-07T21:36:00.001+08:00

其实，每一个人的思想都不一样，有人会把任何事情都看得很重，可是有人会看得很随便。可是对我来讲，什么都是那么重！那如果，人人都不赞同我，我不是改咯，我有损失什么吗？我只是想做好我自己。我有听过有人说过一句话，“我们的人生就好像电梯，在不同的层次，打开门让人进出”；同样道理，我们应该学会接受别人，因为，你会想，不代表你对完！如果你觉得，在这个世界里面，你不用依赖任何人，那么厉害，不要用你妈妈的钱；不要卖车，自己做一辆车咯；不要用电，自己做电咯；要打机，自己做电脑，自己做 game 。逃不过的，世界上有那么多人，以后你会面对的，同事，老板，顾客，还有家人和朋友。不要自己骗自己啦！真得很幼稚！我浪费了那么多口水，人家还不明白，我真得不动要怎样！要帮也帮不到了，人家还是觉得他对完，那我就错完咯！

我还记得妈妈告诉我，我家里的背景算是一个给所有人很好的教训。人在利益当前，都是自私的。可是有一点我相信的是，我爸爸是一个很有义气的人，也是事业成功的男人，只是，天不给他多一点时间。妈妈说他曾经说过，“兄弟如手足，女人如包袱”。就是他这一种观念，人的差别；我看在他临死前，他一定带走很多遗憾，很多后悔，他说这一句话。每一个人有每一个人的价值，即使是一个乞丐，他也有他的价值，我们应该学会尊重别人。我妈妈为了她做了那么多，到最后，什么都没得到，还要辛苦大半世，这些东西，他兄弟没做过！现在，我看如果爸爸还在，他一定会想要收回这一句话！妈妈为了他付出了那么多，而他的兄弟，为了利益，没给我们好日子过。妈妈很厉害，很辛苦培养我们，现在大家都大了，都懂事了！

我小的时候，都不是一个很受欢迎的人。我以前很烂，很懒惰，不上进，因为妈妈更本没时间管我，我不会自立。我经历很多，看过很多人，面对过很多问题，如果我的想法是不对的，那接近20年来，我是白活的！以前，我是立健的双倍，那你可以想象到吗？爸爸死我更本不懂，我还在灵堂前玩！不过，那么多年，我背着很多人的指责，留级，转学，给人骂，还给人欺负，让我感觉到生活没有意思。可是，我明白到，生活不是为了其他人，而是为自己。不管别人怎样讲我，娘娘腔，还是什么都好，更难听的，我都听下去，因为嘴生在别人身上，我可以怎样。反而，你当别人盲的吗，别人懂，是你自己缺德！所以有时候，我会很欣赏，那一些会尊重别人的人！我会想他们学习，我不会像那一些人那样，那么可悲！

我已经做太多了！我已经尽力去改变立健，可是如果这一些都没有用，我都不懂该怎样。就像别人讲，人家的事不要管那么多。如果真正认识我的人都会懂，我朋友没有几个，而如果是我的朋友，我会为他们做很多事，我会帮他们。我最怕的是，我会弄得他们不开心，可是我的出发点是好的。为他们做任何事，任何行动，我都回想得很清楚，会是什么结果。不过有时，气冲上脑，没办法啦！哈哈！我没什么要求，对朋友来讲，只要他懂，我对他好，，有来有回，他也对我好，那就够咯！所以，我都相信，如果有一个人，会花时间帮你，即使生气你，那你在他心目中是有一个地位的。Nigel 跳楼的事，我们大家都会记得。他出事自前的那盘棋，是我们大家的遗憾，到现在，都不可能玩完。如果我们可以多关心他，可能他现在都读大学了。我会很怕，我看到 Nigel ，看到身边的朋友，我怕又会有那样的事情发生。就好像啊 boy, 你不会让他收任何伤害的，我不想他终生都有残缺！Nigel 让我感觉到，不管什么时候都要珍惜你的朋友，珍惜身边的人，不要让自己后悔；所以我会为朋友做很多!

"立健日记，最后一篇"，4月04日，傍晚。

2009-04-04T18:21:00.000+08:00

有时我在想，立健这种人，以后会是怎样呢？而我们这一些，小小就没了爸爸，要出来帮妈妈赚钱过活的人又会有怎样的结局呢？天真的很不公平，为什么有一些人不忧柴，不忧米，不用为钱而烦，想玩就玩，想吃就吃，更本就不用顾虑太多！好像立健这样的人，每一件事都不用担心，有人会帮他担忧，有很多人疼他，很多人会纵容他，搞得他更本就自私，自我中立！其实，我把他看得太重了！他对别人的价值观就是，你对我好我就对你好，从来他都不会付出来得到别人对他的好，那算不算自私呢？如果每一个人都像他那样想，那没有人会成为好朋友，没有人会拍拖，也没有人会结婚。但其实，他说到，人家怎样对他，他就怎样对别人。那人家吃大便他就跟着别人吃大便吗？可是，人家对他好，他会为别人付出多少？平时，他会怪罪于别人的错，不会轻易接受别人的道歉，可是倒转过来到，他经常都做错，一句对不起也没有，假装没有事，和别人说话，那算和好吗？那别人就应该原谅他吗？就拿他和恩仪的是来讲；那天，在车上，他突然发现恩仪打电话给他，而他没有接，因为他电话关了声音，而他睡着了。其实，下午的时候，恩仪有打电话给我，问我他在那里。可见，已经很久了。立健立刻回电给恩仪，一句对不起都不说，只是低声的向她解释。比起来讲，他只会对恩仪那样！也倒转来讲，以前恩仪不是有心不听他电话，他竟然就生气别人。是不是很没有风度？这样的男人，连对不起都不会说，我真得不知道，他会如何但起大责任？他永远都不会明白，不是那句对不起很重要，而是你懂得“认低威”！不过，我会记得他会愿意在我去上学，想到买饼给我吃，和我们一起玩，教我功课。这都算不算是好事呢？

自从那一次他带恩仪的狗回家后，他到现在一句话也没说，那我可以怎样？他到底懂不懂，他让人觉得很不自在。一开始，他有没有经过大家同意，才带狗回来？然后，小狗是住在楼下的，他会懂我的感受吗？还有，是他答应别人照顾那只狗，是不是应该关心一下呢？更何况，一直在辛苦照顾那只狗的人是我呢，他会体谅我吗？谢谢一句都没讲，也没说和我和好还是什么，问候也没有。感觉就好像没了这个朋友都不要紧！他让我觉得，我只是给他利用的一个朋友，而其他什么都不是！可能他在意我给他脸色看，可是你试想想，有人会突然给脸色你看吗？当然是有原因的嘛！他会记得人家对他的好吗？他会懂，是我一个人清理楼下的吗？我真得很在意，小狗会弄肮脏地板的嘛！小狗在笼里，大小便都弄得身体很肮脏，他懂吗？不过不要紧，小狗是无辜的，我会好好对它，就好像啊 boy 那样！如果那只狗会像人那么聪明，有思想，那就不用说，可是它是一只不懂事的狗，要怪就怪主人不好，没好好教导它，照顾它！

其实，我算是很笨，我把这个人看得太重了。之前，我为他着像太多了，反而宠坏了他！我帮他做很多事，可是我感觉不到，为他做事是值得的！跟他一起，我没了尊严，因为不管两人之间谁的错都好，到最后，都是我去和他和好！有时候我会觉得，我生气反而对他来讲是无理取闹，一点都不重要！我觉得他不懂人家不爽什么，也不会尊敬人家的原则！我不懂他在想什么，不过以前那个林耀鸿已经变了！我说过，当我的心一变了，这个人就连大便都不如，一点价值也没有！所以管得着他跟恩仪纠缠下去，给她利用，管得着他生病，管得着他有钱还是没钱，管得找他是开心还是不开心，他对我来讲，这个朋友有没有都不要紧了！现在，不论到他来嫌弃我了，而是我嫌弃他了！就让他活在他自己的世界里面吧，不用去理会别人！可悲的立健！我有没有误会他？正常人来讲，如果你在乎一个人的话，你就会在乎他怎样看你。我认为，有误会他，他都不会在乎，因为朋友对他来讲，只是一件衣服，换就换！可是，当一个人觉得你不好，很多很多人就会懂你这个人是这样的，那你还会有朋友吗？他懂不懂他身边的人都和我说：“他是这样的啦，不用管他”。这证明什么？谁都懂啦！其实，我觉得他也不会在乎有没有朋友！可是你想一下，如果这个世界只有你一个，那你不是我行我素咯！什么都靠自己咯！要吃饭，自己种稻咯！要吃鸡，自己养咯。看，我们还是要靠很多人的，逃不过的！要做爱，那么厉害就X自己屁股啦，自己和自己做啦。

我们不是那么的完美，最重要的是，你可以接受别人的指责，会改，会变，然后让身边的人都觉得和你一起是很开心自在的！那不管你以后有什么事，这一些知心朋友都会在你身边；你成家，他们会祝福你；你成功，他们会为你开心！我相信，我们和人相处，是要学会去迁就别人，而不是要别人跟着你走。到转过来，如果对方也那么想的，试想想，大家会多好？自私是应该，可是不要吝啬，对别人的付出。有付出，人家才会对你真心，才会有收获。可能，会有一些不好的人。可是最重要的是做好你自己，对得起你自己，也对得起别人。那如果人家不好你就要和别人一样忘恩负义吗？你是怎样的人，是你自己扮演的角色！要人家怎样看你，是你自己做给别人看的！我努力的在进步，可是我刚刚学会了一样东西，那就是，我应该选择自己觉得值得做的事。就好像，对立建好，不值得了，因为是自己吃亏!

"小狗日记"，3月29日，雨后！

2009-03-29T05:36:00.003+08:00

今天其实有考试，而我一点也没准备到！这一种感觉，就好像上一次，考 data com 那样！本来，我是打算早一点起身读书。谁知那只小狗，我一番好意，一早起来喂它，怕它饿，它竟然看见人就吠了整个早上！都是立健，宠坏了它，让它自由在客厅走动！它真得很吵，我怕吵到别人，那我就放它出来！它妈的，它以出来，就乱乱大便和小便，还跑到我的书包上睡觉！够了，真得过分叻,那我就把它放出去外面，哪二来我就可以好好睡觉了！不过，已经太迟了，时间已经不早了！我很累，早上凌晨的时候，我们癫到去怡保 MC 吃夜宵！我很生气，真得很生气，也很不甘心。那只狗，明明是立健自己答应别人照顾的，为什么人家可以那么轻松，而我就连狗都不如！早上的时候，他走进我的房间，问我“你把那只狗放去外面啊？”。我还睡得昏昏沉沉的，告诉他小狗很吵啊，没办法！问题是，他又问候过我吗？他到底懂不懂，他那只狗带来给我很多麻烦！他只会放他在客厅玩，他懂我会很辛苦的吗，要打扫客厅？从我们搬来到现在，这一些都是我做的！他们只是会整理自己的房间，其他的都不管！有时候，衣服晒干了，都没人去处理！其实，这一些我都不要紧，只是我很不甘心，死人立健那么炫耀！我懂他又好好准备考试，可是我呢，就因为他要哄恩义开心，就惹来那么多的麻烦！我是不是太笨了！

今天，我不够睡，真的心情很不好！我看见他关心那个狗多过关心我，我很不甘心！我就给话他听!其实，如果他想回头，他应该懂什么事发生。可是他在乎吗？他更本只是眼中有恩仪而已，其他人让他去死,有没有这个朋友都算了！他说过，他不会说对不起，也不会接受别人的道歉。事实上，他更本就不会和人道歉，他没胆，死爱脸。人家做错事，就要别人去哄他，那才显得他高尚，人家没了他会死！可是式想想，会来找他的人，都是利用他的人，是不是很可悲！刚才到现在，他都没睬我！他又以为他有那么的重要。事实上，我有错，可是我要他懂得去珍惜别人为他做的一切，而他不是少爷，每一个人都要忍他!这一次，如果他没和我说对不起，谢谢，我是不会睬他的！慢慢，我就不会再宠他，不会在疼他，不会在关心他，不会再为他做那么多东西了，反正，就让他看看他所谓完美的恩仪会像我那样对他吗？

"小狗日记"，3月24日，晴！

2009-03-24T23:51:00.005+08:00

小狗用品，花费与资产报告！

某个礼拜五，我们带了一只恐残党怪物回来。这只怪物，外名叫阿 boy, 可是真名到现在无法查明！这只怪物，在我们家里乱跑，还有一个坏习惯，就是咬人的脚！自从我们带了他回来，我们面临经济威胁，因为它搞乱我们的花费几率，还让我们损失惨重！哈哈！以下就是证物：

其实说起来，阿 boy 在会不会是一个负担呢？平时阿 boy 没什么要求，就只是吃。可怜的阿 boy，它的世界都是那么简单！它现在开始真得很好玩，开心的是，它会认人，认车了。最近，有带它出去跑跑！现在，还算好，不用绑着它，它会听话，可是以后就不知道咯！感觉很光荣！那天，它原本的主人经过，一直不断称赞它，有多乖，有多好！看着它从小变大，瘦变肥，学会走路，跑，跳，玩，还有吃。以前还要为它喝奶，现在就安乐咯！不知道，如果阿 boy 大了，会不会花费更多。。。不过，带它回来，就应该拿起那个责任！不用紧，阿 boy 平时都还很好，很乖，总算安慰咯！算起来，阿 boy 都很大了，年初二出生，7个月算1岁。。。很难算！不知道，阿 boy 在这里开心吗？

"小狗日记"，3月23日，晴！

2009-03-22T13:23:00.003+08:00

狗狗小特集！

其实养了狗狗那么久，狗狗都带来给我们很多欢乐！狗狗现在开始贪玩了，可是反而我们没时间陪它玩，还没定时为它吃饭！可怜的狗狗！对不起它呢！其实现在家里有狗狗，都不会怎样。之前会担心，它会很吵，可是都没有啊,还很听话呢！有时候，因为要教它，而要打它，事后真的觉得它很可怜，很疼惜它呢！不过，希望我们的用心良苦，可以让狗狗变成一个很忠心的狗！

很好笑的是，它到现在都没有名字！我只是叫它啊 boy !其实，我觉得名字应该不要紧，因为我觉得狗狗会认人了！有时候，不知道它是不是那么懂事，我们喊它，它好像懂的那样！可爱的狗狗！昨天，我在家里草丛剪草，狗狗在跟草玩！我看见他那么可爱，就赶快拿了相机，拍了起来！看到上面的照片吗？有一点不清，因为它乱动咯！

"感想"，3月8日，晴。

2009-03-08T16:30:00.004+08:00

其实，如果一个人会花时间把自己对一个人的想法写下来，算不算是在乎这个人？我现在开始明白，喜欢一个人而会为他做很多事的道理。以前，我会觉得melanie 这种爱情叫爱情吗？她更本在给人家占便宜。可是，现在我自己体会到她这种想法了。对，是给人家占便宜，可是如果你想回头，可以为这个人做一点事，是很开心的！你会时时想到他，不让他辛苦，你也会帮他解决问题，保护他，照顾他！就好像辉煌讲，他女朋友不会舍得花他的钱，我觉得他女朋友真得很疼他，所以他们两个才可以那么长久啊！式想想，如果对方都是一样，那么疼对方，一直都为对方付出，这段感情一定会很好。有人说过，能够在一起是一种缘分，而这个缘分，是要很努力，造很多富，经过很多世，很多困难，才能得到的。既然是那么珍贵，为他人做一点点事，会难过得到这一份缘分吗？

其实，旁观者都可以看得很清楚，可是他们感觉不到我们对自己喜欢的人的那一份心意。给人家占便宜，我们应该保护自己。可是面对自己喜欢的人，可以吝啬吗？很矛盾，对不对？就拿自己家人来讲，是不是应该多为他们付出呢？我常常那么想，可是要做得到是很难的。现在，我开始慢慢学习，学习去爱一个人，学习去疼一个人，就连自己家人也一样！我们为自己喜欢的人付出，都是希望可以看到对方开心，如果可以得到一点回报，就当然好啦！可是，如果别人不珍惜，是他们自己做得不好，而不是自己的错！最重要的是我们的出发点是让自己开心，也让别人开心，自己做好自己，对得起良心，对得起别人，那就足够了。有时候，会顾虑不到太多人的感受，可是最重要的是，我们会先办法补救，那才对！其实，不用紧，别人看得很清楚，他们都知道你所作的一切，旁观者永远都是很清的！所以我们不需要理会别人的眼光，自己没有做错，就一定会有人明白的！

"感想"，3月5日，傍晚。

2009-03-05T18:40:00.005+08:00

其实，做人的定义什么？做一个好朋友的定义又是什么？要做好自己又应该怎样？我相信每一个人的目的都是一样的，就是活得开心！一只以来我都相信，在这个现实中是我们如何去融入人家的世界，而不是要别人迁就你！向反过来，如果每一个人都一样，大家就会互相迁就对方！可是有些时候我会很矛盾，觉得自己很委屈，为什么那么辛苦去迁就别人？为什么让自己那么吃亏？可是有时候我又觉得是应该的！我明白，每一个人的想法都不同，可是要大家相处得好，是不是应该有一个共同理想，或想法，就是互相迁就！有原则又对吗？很矛盾！

辉煌是一个很不错的人，他会是一个很讲义气得好兄弟！可是他的类型，他的想法，他的世界，爱好统统都和我大有出入! 有时候，他会是一个很好的朋友，因为在我需要的时候，他会听我讲心事，也会给我很有用的意见。可是他不会好到知道我所有的朋友，所以有一些事，我没有办法告诉他。但有时，我会很生气他，很想骂他可是又不好意思，就很辛苦啦！就拿今天早上来讲，他明明迟到了，还诺无其实的。我讲了他几句，他还所他不喜欢人家一早就罗索他！算了！我就不讲！可是他会明白到，人家的感受吗？可能他认为，我坐他车，就应该迁就他，就要看他脸色，那我会服从，因为我寄人篱下，没办法。可是，如果要那样，还算是好朋友吗？我会尊重他，只要他说他不喜欢，我就会避忌一点。可是他会那样对我吗？我不介意迟到，可是我感觉很不好意思。自己成绩又不好，又每天在课室睡觉，就不要每一次迟到咯！其实，每一天我很早就起来了，明明可以早到，就因为等他，就偏偏迟到，就好像自己刻意迟到你懂吗？我要守时，那你可以尊重我吗?那是我的原则，你可以尊重吗？如果你告诉我，迟到是你的原则，我会尊重，我无话可说！

有时候想要和他很好，可是就有时候不能忍他！这个朋友，真麻烦！

"感想"，3月3日，晚。

2009-03-04T00:00:00.004+08:00

其实明天 data structure 有 test。可是我一点也没读到，也没复习，只是在烦着网站的事！真得很烦，如果一开始我没答应帮忙哥哥该有多好？每天只会打电话来吹这个吹那个，烦死人！其实，我也该负起一点责任，因为答应了人家的事我没做到，他生气也是应该的！看来要努力一点啦，追上工作，也要追上学业！加油！

其实，不知道是不是我和人相处有问题。我真的是不能 tahan 辉煌！他是一个很好的人，只是他的态度，我不能容忍啦！就拿昨天做例子，他11点多才来做 slide , 然后做到2点多才完！有没有搞错，需要那么久吗？他更本不能专心，还要赖别人！宝雄也是的，死都要今天 present, 搞得大家都那么辛苦，就为了他一个人！昨晚辉煌为了要改期，竟然一只争吵下去都没结果，倒不如省回那一些时间去做准备更好。浪费了一大堆时间，害得我没有的彩排和背稿。搞错！可是好才也有不错的表现！其实，也不能那样，如果他是有问题的话，我是不是应该帮他呢？不应该撞伤他。对！应该帮他！

"感想"，3月1日，早。

2009-03-01T14:18:00.002+08:00

今天大约10点多，我就起床了。都时一样，喂了BEBE，我又做家务。昨晚后家里都很脏，所以内外都要好好打扫。BEBE很烦，一早就大吵大闹，烦死了！其实我很累，任劳任怨是个美德吗？我每天做那么多，有人理解吗？有人会体谅吗?其实我很生气，玩大家就会玩，可是讲到做东西，全部好像大便那样！懒懒懒！没人愿意早已点起床帮忙做东西！就说永杰，他很厉害吗？会煮又怎样，不会收拾不是一样！煮了东西吃又不会清理，有用吗？vincent 每天喝了水又不洗杯。全部都一样的啦！每天一个两个只会打机，不会想到别人要不要吃还是饿不饿。一开始，我很愿意帮他们做着一些，只是有时候看见他们帮帮忙会很安慰的，只是想说说而已，让自己心情好一点！

"Choon Wai 心事"，2月26日，反复！

2009-02-26T23:14:00.000+08:00

昨天，辉煌和我谈起cw，我们都说他有问题。其实大家对他没什么，只是他有时候不醒目，让人觉得很讨厌！一直以来，我对这个认真的有点矛盾，有时候很讨厌他的态度，可是有时候又不忍心对他那么差！所以一直以来我都对他很好，听他心事！

辉煌告诉我，cw问，为什么我和辉煌在 facebook 里的 pet society 里都穿 ninja 衣，快送他一个，让大家都一样！辉煌告诉他说，我们俩互相礼送往来，为什么要送他？后来，cw就送了一个很cheap的衣服给辉煌，辉煌就回复他说：“u send me shit,wat do u expect me 2 give u?” 还有，平时他对我们的态度，都是好像我们应该的，应该载他，应该听他那样，而他自己不知道他的要求有时候很不体谅，很不尊重，也很麻烦！

后来，他msn我，“am i a bad person?”。我就坦白告诉他我对他的想法！我总是相信，坦白可以让事情个更好！希望它可以改！其实，朋友之间不用算到那么清楚！以前 foundation要坐他车的时候，他会说车没油！平时吃饭他都会说，我没散钱，帮我出着先！后来呢？算了吧！有时候好的话会给回你，不好就不出声了！然后，每一次都希望人家请，人家叫他请就天崩地裂？那时，辉煌都很不喜欢她，因为他的态度咯，就好像利用人一样！有时候，让然觉得有别的朋友，就不需要我们，没朋友大时候就粘的我们紧紧的！不过，我相信他本性不坏，致使不能好好表达自己！我相信，如果我真心对他，他懂得，他珍不珍惜都好，无所谓！最重要是我做好我自己咯！

最近，他和 jia wei 走的很近，我鼓励他去追 jia wei, 希望他可以啦！

“小狗日记” 2月22日，阴。

2009-02-22T16:54:00.000+08:00

自从把BEBE带回来，它都带给大家很多麻烦，也有很多欢乐，很多大小便！其实有时觉得它很烦，因为之前半夜还要起床喂奶。可是看它一天一天的长大，开始懂事，很开心，很心足。BEBE很可爱，看起来像小熊，走起来像舞狮，笨笨的，肥肥的！最近，我有很多烦恼，可是看见BEBE那么可爱，可以平复我的心情。昨晚，我一个人坐在外面，泡了杯绿茶，享受夜晚的冷风，和宁静，想着我和他的问题。BEBE在身边，没有乱跑，也没有乱叫，就坐在我椅子下。它好像知道，我不开心。可是到最后，BEBE还是睡着了！还记得有一次，我觉得BEBE很烦，因为我想一个人静一静，我就把BEBE关在我房外。后来听到BEBE叫声，我开门了，看见它坐在门口，我让它进来了。一个BEBE都可以那么体贴，可能是我幻想，可是它就让人觉得，有它是很好的！